September 11th – 17th is World Childless Week
“Do you have children?”
This may seem like a harmless conversation opener, but for some it can touch on some very painful experiences.
A few facts …
- One fifth of British people AFAB (assigned female at birth) will not have had a child by their early 40’s.
- One quarter of British people AMAB (assigned male at birth) over 42 will not have had a child.
Terminology:
“Childfree”
Usually refers to someone who has actively chosen not to have children
“Childless”
Someone who wants or wished to have a child but can’t / couldn’t
Sometimes referred to as “childless not by choice”
Some find the term “childless” offensive as it implies you are “less” because you haven’t had a child
Another term used within the childless community is NOMO – not a mother
“Social infertility” or “circumstantial infertility”
This refers to people who, through no medical reason, have not had children e.g. they haven’t met a partner
A few reasons why some people may be childless:
- Fertility treatment didn’t succeed
- Miscarriage or stillbirth
- Partner didn’t want to have children
- Partner already has children (& didn’t want to have another child)
- Physical health (self / partner)
- Mental health (self / partner)
- Cancer treatment
- Early menopause
- Abusive relationship
- No obvious reason found (described as “unexplained infertility’)
Things to avoid saying:
“I know it will work out for you” (this might seem well intentioned, but none of us know the future, & we risk not hearing someone’s experience)
“At least you get to have regular lie-ins / cheaper holidays / lots of free time” (consolation prizes don’t exist)
“You don’t truly know love until you’ve had a child” (love is love & takes many forms)
“You could always adopt” (adoption for many is emotionally complex & the need to be biologically linked to a child can be very strong)
Things to consider:
Pets or “fur babies” can be hugely important to someone who is childless & can be life enhancing.
Someone who is childless may still have significant caring responsibilities (& within some families, it can be assumed that a childless family member is free to step up).
“Parent” can also be a verb – to care about & nurture the welfare of another human being or animal is something many people value doing & can be a fundamental part of who they are.
The childless community is diverse with needs that can differ.
Further information:
Communities
The Childless Collective
A community for childless people, including the opportunity to cultivate new friendships
Gateway Women
A support and advocacy network for childless women founded by British author & psychotherapist, Jody Day
Ageing without Children
Campaigning, information & support for people ageing without children
Articles
“I just assumed it would happen – the unspoken grief of childless men” (The Guardian, August 2023)
“Not being able to have a baby was devastating – then I found people who embraced a childfree life” (The Guardian, April 2023)
